we were talking about the future "things" again...."we" as in my sis, mum and I of course....and because of that i cried my eyes out again...why???because they always look down on me.....
every single thing that i do is always wrong....just by opening my mouth, to them i have said the wrong thing....sitting down next to them, they look like i am something that is about to change into a bug....welll....wat can i say or do??that is what happen when your elder sister have come back....
just thinking about them makes me wanna cry....again....just listening to them talk with each other wanna make me puke!yes.....u may think that i am in the stage where my hormones are imbalanced and me being a rebellious teenager....weelll, i am very pleased if u want to be in my shoes.......be my guest..
owhkay...owhkay...let's start from the beginning....
we went back from our dinner-eating out-then they were planning to have a trip to wietnam....just them...since i have school.....well, do they have to make it during school time....can't they just a few days til i finish school...but watever....they never do it when my sis is busy or away.....always wanna wait for her...well, im owhkay with that really...i am used to it.....then my mum even sanggup to wait for my sis's bf to have his hols to bring him with them....HIM!!!!but not me....nooooo~....
suddenly we came to "my future" topic....i don rely remember how we even got there...*my eyes are soo watery i can't even look at the screen..*
my sister can do everything....she is SOOOO good in driving, i am not, so i can't be a pilot....my reflexes aren't good and i am too loud....i can't be a teacher coz my sis sed soo, since everyone would be afraid of me....i can't be an engineer since i can never sit still andcan't keep quiet....i can't even do anything medical since i am terrified of needles.....my own sister said from her own mouth that she won't recommend me.....why is she afraid that i will do better than her???come on!!i won't steal her glory...i'll stand back and be "aina's little sister" i dun mind....but still NO!!audi can do everything coz he is a BOY!!talk about discrimination and inequality......waddahell!!
a writer??a journalist???that is wat i call a far-fetched dream....wheni wanna be realistic i am called IMMATURE!!childish....
"change the way u laugh", my mum always sed.....laughing has absolutely nothing to do with a job!!.....my aunt laughs like a donkey,loud and ugly but her doing that is ok coz she is a hotel director....i could not be one because im loud....tell me whether i shud be confused or not!!
it's hard to be me.....when i wanna do sumthing good, my mum wud say, she will never do that....she can't even do that...she is not qualified to do that....
all i am good in is english and god knows my writing and language is not even excellent...."cukup cukup makan".....HUH!!!!!!!!
writing....nothing good can come out of it.....a mother who does not even supprt her own child....well, she does support my sis and bro though....a black sheep...
Monday, October 29, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
hari raya update
SOOOOO....i still cannot feel the raya vibe this year....i mean i could feel it last year and celebrate it with a lil bit of joy eventhough i did not go back Kuching...
this year...this particular year....heemmm.....why issit so???when i think back this past few days.....more like yesterday...everythng felt normal.....like it is still Ramadhan....there is a lack of excitement and happiness....
is it because i was driven by my own grandmother to work like a slave.....i mean i was asked to clean this and tidy that up, 2 days before raya....when i said i was exhausted she just said nothing......cruelty....owhkay not really cruelty and slavery since im being paid...hahahah....but still...i was alone doing all those things......once i had to carry 16 kilos of chicken and 6 kilos og beef in one go...and carry it around in this small basket...when we reached the car i literally could not feel my hands....
and when i complained to my aunt....u knoe what she sed???she bloody said its good for the arms...exercise..gawd daym it...if she was asked to carry that kind of load she would not have sed that it was exercise....my aunt was left sleeping soundly and nicely while i was tortured!and she did not show any compassion...nobody even asked if i was tired.....my arms....pity them....
and dat was not all...i ha to carry a large TV up to the 2nd floor...and carry boxes containing drinks.....i think my arms grew an inch!!
my back hurt and my legs are swollen and i could not think!....just because i have a big body...owhkay owhkay...FAT then does not mean i can work like 20 men!!doesn't mean i have the energy of 20 men!!
thank gawd i was there for 5 days...if it was more i would have died and died again...
i was exhausted to tears...tears!!!and nobody cared...owhkay of corz nobody knew since i was bawling my eyes out in the toilet....plus putting the water on!!hehehehe...
now in Brunei when i did not want to do something also tins are thrown at me.....shheessshhh!!!
the last time in Kuching i had my gurl cousin to help me....a friend to suffer together....but this year my sis was not there and mycousin was not there.....all alone....with a burden to bear alone.....waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!all is over now ayu...relax....i should have more gurl cousins....only 3 gurls in the family!!all dumb lazy and noe nothing boys...
i am hypocritical about being a feminist since my own "kampung home" is very genderlism-thing...all the house work us women do.......the guys all sit and wait for the food to be readied...gawd....even us gurls have to set the table....wash the dishes and even put the dishes in the sink...
i guess that is why i am soooooo leaning myself towards becoming a feminist....and not wanting to bear children esp boys into a world where they may conquer but does no work to be worthy of it....
this year...this particular year....heemmm.....why issit so???when i think back this past few days.....more like yesterday...everythng felt normal.....like it is still Ramadhan....there is a lack of excitement and happiness....
is it because i was driven by my own grandmother to work like a slave.....i mean i was asked to clean this and tidy that up, 2 days before raya....when i said i was exhausted she just said nothing......cruelty....owhkay not really cruelty and slavery since im being paid...hahahah....but still...i was alone doing all those things......once i had to carry 16 kilos of chicken and 6 kilos og beef in one go...and carry it around in this small basket...when we reached the car i literally could not feel my hands....
and when i complained to my aunt....u knoe what she sed???she bloody said its good for the arms...exercise..gawd daym it...if she was asked to carry that kind of load she would not have sed that it was exercise....my aunt was left sleeping soundly and nicely while i was tortured!and she did not show any compassion...nobody even asked if i was tired.....my arms....pity them....
and dat was not all...i ha to carry a large TV up to the 2nd floor...and carry boxes containing drinks.....i think my arms grew an inch!!
my back hurt and my legs are swollen and i could not think!....just because i have a big body...owhkay owhkay...FAT then does not mean i can work like 20 men!!doesn't mean i have the energy of 20 men!!
thank gawd i was there for 5 days...if it was more i would have died and died again...
i was exhausted to tears...tears!!!and nobody cared...owhkay of corz nobody knew since i was bawling my eyes out in the toilet....plus putting the water on!!hehehehe...
now in Brunei when i did not want to do something also tins are thrown at me.....shheessshhh!!!
the last time in Kuching i had my gurl cousin to help me....a friend to suffer together....but this year my sis was not there and mycousin was not there.....all alone....with a burden to bear alone.....waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!all is over now ayu...relax....i should have more gurl cousins....only 3 gurls in the family!!all dumb lazy and noe nothing boys...
i am hypocritical about being a feminist since my own "kampung home" is very genderlism-thing...all the house work us women do.......the guys all sit and wait for the food to be readied...gawd....even us gurls have to set the table....wash the dishes and even put the dishes in the sink...
i guess that is why i am soooooo leaning myself towards becoming a feminist....and not wanting to bear children esp boys into a world where they may conquer but does no work to be worthy of it....
and tins can fly....
owhkaayyy...so i start this month's "blogging" with this event of mine today...
my mum just threw 3 tins of carbonated drinks at me.....why, u ask...because first she called me lazy for not wanting to learn more about this bloody stupid and ridiculous laptop of mine (coz all i knoe is copy and paste) and that made me become even lazier and angry at her.....gawd...im a teenager...why shouldn't i be...hahah... and then she asked me what will i wear to azrina's house and i said..."antah eyh.." and HEL-LO!!of corz i dun noe wat im supposed to wear!!she shud noe that i will never knoe what i will wear eventhough the particular event starts in 5 minutes let alone for 24 hours!!issssshhhhh.....
so she screamed at me for always saying "antah eyh.."....but i just said those words once today....hmmmm.....and suddenly became histeric....and threw at first 2 tins and then i kept quiet(hello....did she want me to answer in that kind of situation???) and threw another tin at me.....i mean hel-lo....she can throw all the tins in the world coz it did not hurt at all...and dat was the funny thing...it did not hurt...and i expected it to hurt like hell....coz the tins were still full....
owh well......who cares.....the bottom line is i still dun have a daym clue which baju kurung i shud wear....heeeemmmmm...*siiggghhh*....hahahaha....
and of corz i cried....hahaha......juz for ur info...huhuhuhu....den everything was back to normal.....i was like "wateva.."
my mum has been touchy since the day my sister came home...everything she does is ok....well back to normal....my 'rents will complain everything bout my sis to me but in front of her they'll put their disgusting "happy" faces.....to hell all of them!!!!!
can't wait for school to reopen....
my mum just threw 3 tins of carbonated drinks at me.....why, u ask...because first she called me lazy for not wanting to learn more about this bloody stupid and ridiculous laptop of mine (coz all i knoe is copy and paste) and that made me become even lazier and angry at her.....gawd...im a teenager...why shouldn't i be...hahah... and then she asked me what will i wear to azrina's house and i said..."antah eyh.." and HEL-LO!!of corz i dun noe wat im supposed to wear!!she shud noe that i will never knoe what i will wear eventhough the particular event starts in 5 minutes let alone for 24 hours!!issssshhhhh.....
so she screamed at me for always saying "antah eyh.."....but i just said those words once today....hmmmm.....and suddenly became histeric....and threw at first 2 tins and then i kept quiet(hello....did she want me to answer in that kind of situation???) and threw another tin at me.....i mean hel-lo....she can throw all the tins in the world coz it did not hurt at all...and dat was the funny thing...it did not hurt...and i expected it to hurt like hell....coz the tins were still full....
owh well......who cares.....the bottom line is i still dun have a daym clue which baju kurung i shud wear....heeeemmmmm...*siiggghhh*....hahahaha....
and of corz i cried....hahaha......juz for ur info...huhuhuhu....den everything was back to normal.....i was like "wateva.."
my mum has been touchy since the day my sister came home...everything she does is ok....well back to normal....my 'rents will complain everything bout my sis to me but in front of her they'll put their disgusting "happy" faces.....to hell all of them!!!!!
can't wait for school to reopen....
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